my nyc (on the quick)

pondering my quick nyc trip:

i have to say, i wasn’t really in my body very often on this trip. not much anyway. too much anxiety in the getting here, getting there, going to work and meetings, working, and the what’s next?

there were a few moments when i was in my body. when i really felt it. that nyc.

• riding the train one evening: the rocking, the holding on, crisp white blouse, big round hair, sleeping man, a woman standing still under a tiny red umbrella open wide on the top of a faraway building
• dark neighborhood restaurant at night with a friend: talks, murmurs, longing, hope, and a dark chocolate pear tart
• the dusted-off memory (albeit a confusing rebellious yet lonely one) of being responsible for just me for awhile
• cab ride home: the rain dots on the windows blurring my view, the backseat quiet, and the gliding hypnosis of the drive through a city where i feel lost and found at the same time
• walking home four rainy blocks after i misguided my cab driver. i walked an extra three and back again just because i didn’t want to give up the night and the walking and the ridiculously good feeling of being alone in a warm rain and a welcoming, contagiously energetic city at night
• dimly lit hotel room where the bed took up the entire room and i got the feeling that all my feelings (of serenity, loneliness, longing, doubt, and pure joy) and those of every other person in every tiny lit and unlit window outside my window and beyond are integral parts of what keeps the city alive

in nyc, i miss it while i’m there because i know i can never have enough. i will never get enough. i can’t wait to go back.